Kindness in organizations is a very important topic to me. Like many of you, I've had to work in very harsh work environments. To say it's difficult is an understatement.
What's Wrong?
Pamela was the CEO of a manufacturing tech startup. She came from a culture that tolerated and expected verbal abuse, public criticism, and yelling caustic comments in the hallway. I worked in HR. Of course I found this behavior unacceptable. One day it was my turn for a public scolding. I was the target of her anger for a minor reason. My response disarmed her. I did not react with silence or yelling back as everyone else did; I simply asked her what the problem was. She stopped. She didn’t have an answer, and walked away saying she had to think about it. Before she left, I added that I really wanted to make sure human resources was responsive and helpful to her and the company. I can’t tell you that my response transformed her overnight, but she never yelled at me again.
Generate Goodwill
Goodwill is the grease that makes a project move on time and on budget. I think of goodwill as transactional, in that it can be acquired through real, authentic interactions motivated by collaboration. One leader sharing her power to help another can generate goodwill. Teams receiving goodwill for their efforts to assist others when they complete a project successfully is another good example.
We generate goodwill through three behaviors:
- Look for ways to assist our colleagues for no other reason than to be helpful and collaborative.
- Be warm toward our colleagues, and replace judgment and evaluation of others with understanding.
- Deliver on what we say we will do or renegotiate the timeframe or budget to reflect reality.
Sometimes it seems unlikely that being kind, warm, and cooperative will be useful in a competitive and combative environment. But consider this: How does it feel when someone is calm, warm, and kind despite the hostile, passive aggressive status quo?
Cope with Troublemakers
The best writing on this subject is by Robert Bramson, particularly in his book Coping With Difficult People. Below are some useful tips from the book:
- There are different types of difficult people. Some are hostile aggressive, meaning they tend to roll over you. Others are passive aggressive, making snarky digs toward you or acting moody around you.
- Our job as leaders is not to understand or analyze difficult people. It is to cope with them. Coping means you equalize the power balance by using a specific strategy that is tailored to their style. (Of course, you can also talk with the person about how that style is negatively affecting the workplace.)
- Prepare yourself to deal directly and skillfully with any type of difficult person. You cannot generate goodwill when you feel intimidated.
Apply Focused Attention
Here are a few ways to apply focused attention when dealing with a difficult person:
- Get into the right frame of mind before you have a conversation—or confrontation—with the person. Relax your body while reminding yourself that you can do this with skill if you stick to the right strategy.
- Write a script. Bramson’s Coping With Difficult People offers some good examples.
- Rehearse the desired outcome. Frame it as an end result, not as a conversation.
Most importantly, practice in real time with someone who is less threatening. Get comfortable with the tools and tips with “lighter weight” difficult people.
Editor’s Note: Adapted from Levinson, E. 2015. “Grease Your Organization’s Gears with Goodwill.” LinkedIn Pulse blog, February 3. www.linkedin.com/pulse/grease-your-organizations-gears-goodwill-elad-levinson
