In observing coaches, I’ve noticed an interesting trend—coaches are doing much of a client’s work for them. They are asking a lot of questions so they can provide solutions. They are offering summaries of key points as takeaways for their clients. They are sending multiple reminders between sessions to ensure clients follow through on their commitments. Their voices and instructions infiltrate their coaching sessions. I’ve invited many of these coaches to do less for their clients, to ask fewer questions, to stop talking. And I invite you to do the same.
Here's why. When clients find their own answers, they are more likely to act on them. When clients solve their own problems, propose their own assignments, and do their own follow-up, they do not become reliant on their coaches. When clients take control of their coaching experiences, they may run into obstacles, but without hand-holding, they can learn to overcome them. When we simply remove obstacles, we are not preparing our clients for real life.
So how can we help our clients become responsible, resourceful, and ready?
Six Strategies to Apply
Remember the value of silence. One of the tenets of Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations is to “let silence do the heavy lifting.” When we stop talking, it gives the other person room to reflect and contribute. Because people are often uncomfortable with silence, they eventually speak up. And what they share may be even more valuable than what a coach offers. Some coaching circles use a talking stick approach where only the person holding the object can speak. At these meetings, one person may talk for an hour and still leave feeling supported and less stuck. Speaking is not our only form of value.Forget the details. If a client solves their own problems, you actually need very little context. They shouldn’t need to share details of their situations with you; they already know them. You can help someone come to their own solutions with very little information. Consider one of these questions from the NeuroLeadership Institute’s brain-based coaching model: Can you provide a paragraph about the situation? Can you boil the situation down to seven words? Without too much detail, is there context I need to know? When asking certain questions, consider: Who am I asking this question in the service of? Is it for them or for me?
Change what you summarize. Instead of summarizing points, try summarizing what you’ve noticed. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re interested in that other job and we decided this week that you would check your LinkedIn contacts and invite someone at that company for coffee,” say, “When you talk about that other job, your eyes light up and your energy radiates.” Where you add the most value isn’t in recapping what they’ve said, but in providing a view they may not be aware of.
Ask for verbal or written summaries. Make a point of regularly asking coaching clients to summarize what they’ve heard, to reflect on what they’ve learned, and to recap the assignments they’ve committed to. It isn’t your job to provide summaries. In fact, it may diminish the internalization of what you’ve done together.
Set a percentage. What percentage of time do you think a coach should talk during a coaching conversation? 20 percent is a sweet spot. Choose a number for yourself and then monitor your air time. If you find that you’re creeping up to 50-60 percent, ask, “How is this landing for you?” and sit back to listen.
Embrace failure. Sometimes coaches jump in to ensure the client “gets it” or to ensure they’re going to take action. Without prompts, you worry the client may fail. But learning comes from failing, from having things go wrong and figuring out how to right them. Let them forget something they discovered with you; let them forget to take an action. Then talk about the consequences and how they should handle the next steps.
Adopt a Different Mindset
You may also have to adjust your mindset to minimize contributions during a coaching conversation. Are you holding on to any of these mindsets?My clients are busy people and I have to make it easier for them. Sometimes coaches do the work because they know that clients are stretched thin and feel overwhelmed. These coaches’ intentions are good and clients often appreciate their contributions. In these situations, however, coaches should ask whether this tactic ultimately creates dependence, whether they are preventing executives from internalizing their conversations and alleviating them of responsibility.
I am here to advise my clients. Some clients are looking for an advisor. For example, someone new to a particular organization’s leadership team may want help navigating personalities. Or someone new to a field may want to fill technical knowledge gaps. While a coach can help in these capacities, a coach is different than an adviser. Make sure you and your client are on the same page about your role and what you can do for them.
I want to help them resolve their problems. While coaches play a part in resolving issues, ultimate responsibility for doing so remains with the client. Our part is to pose the right questions and suggest the right assignments so the client can make discoveries and decisions and find solutions.
I need to wow them with my abilities. Coaches sometimes want to dazzle clients with their brilliance. Or they simply feel they must inject brilliance to warrant their fees. Sometimes, clients expect coaches to contribute something spectacular. It can be more helpful—and provide less pressure—to let go of this expectation and embrace our roles as coaches, not superstars.
They need me. Clients may come to you asking for help. You may have some insight and experience that will help them. But coaching is a partnership of equals, not a need and savior situation. If you fall into this trap, it’s hard to give your client the autonomy, respect, and experience they deserve.
As coaches, we may help the most by stepping back rather than speaking up.
