In our busy, technology-saturated world, gaining and retaining people’s attention can feel like an impossible challenge. We must compete with smartphones in every hand and screens on every wall. And if not distracted by screens, people are preoccupied with an overloaded to-do list and anxiety around getting it all done.

I want to share a few skills that will help in your Crucial Conversation. However, realize first that you can’t get people to do anything. People have their agency, and while the dialogue skills can influence behavior, they aren’t a form of manipulation. As you approach your friend, consider that what you share might motivate her to change the way she shows up in your interactions, and it might not. That behavior change is up to your friend, not you.

As you approach this accountability conversation, try the following skills:

Assume the best. Rather than assume she is purposefully not giving you her full attention, assume that she is unaware of the problem. When you assume the best of someone cutting in line at Disneyland, for example, you say things like: “I’m sorry. Were you aware that we’ve been standing here in line?” This presumption of innocence avoids an accusation and starts the conversation on the right foot.

Separate intentions from outcome. Consider that if you’re feeling hurt or offended that what you’re feeling isn’t the result of her direct intentions. Likely she isn’t intending to hurt you. Possibly, she’s totally unaware of how she’s showing up in your interactions. Assuming the best and separating intentions from the outcomes allows you to hold a pragmatic conversation based on facts and not perceptions.

Start with the facts. Facts are the least controversial part of what you have to say and the least likely to be debatable. The next time you find yourself interacting with your friend and you notice that she starts to look at her phone, or her attention wanders, pause the conversation right there and point out the behavior. It might sound like this: “Hey, something just happened that I’d like to draw your attention to. You asked me a question, and as soon as I started to speak, you pulled out your phone and started scrolling. In fact, this is something that happens a lot when we’re together.”

Now that you’ve pointed out the behavior in the moment, you can share your conclusion. “When you start scrolling on your phone it makes me feel like you don’t really value what I’m saying or maybe don’t want to spend time with me. Is that what is going on or am I missing something?”

Listen. Now that you’ve shared your meaning, it’s time to listen and let your friend share hers. Don’t interject, simply listen. Perhaps you’ll learn something about why she feels the need to put her attention elsewhere when you’re together. However, I suspect she’ll be surprised and apologetic. She’ll say something like, “Oh no. You’re right, I am really distracted and I’m sorry that it has made you feel like I don’t value our time together. I do enjoy talking with you and I’ll try to do better.” If she is receptive in this or a similar way, then move to the next step.

Set some boundaries. Take the opportunity to set some ground rules about how you’ll act when you’re together. Say something like, “Let’s commit to putting each other first when we’re together. Could we leave our phones in our bags instead of out in the open? That will help eliminate the distraction altogether.”

The last step is important because it allows you to not have to repeat the conversation in the event your friend is distracted while talking in the future. You can just say, “Hey, remember how we discussed eliminating distractions when we’re together?”

If your friend truly doesn’t value your relationship enough to focus on you when you’re together then it will soon become apparent, and you may choose to spend your time with others who do.