When Cary wrote this paper as my guest leader, I was taken by its insight and beauty. I believe that listening to appreciate what another person is saying and feeling is absolutely key to our success in leadership in today’s business world, and it will become only more essential as our organizational cultures continue to evolve with more women assuming key leadership positions and Generation Y continuing to grow in magnitude within our workforces.

When is the last time you truly were heard? Do you know what that experience would feel like? Being heard is like being in love for the first time in that you don't know what it is until you experience it. Like a child who doesn't grasp the depth of a parent's love or a teenager who mistakes passion for intimacy, we don't even have a gauge for being heard until we experience it. But once we know what it is like to be heard, all other forms of communication pale in comparison.

I wonder if the recent emphasis on active listening really does justice to this experience? My observation is that we have defined active listening as ability, while neglecting to define its intended impact. As such, we've done a disservice to the leadership community by suggesting that the simple acts of focusing on another's words, refraining from multitasking, and ignoring distracting thoughts encapsulates active listening.

May I propose that active listening is evidenced not by what we do, but by our impact on others—on their experience of being heard? And if this is so, then active listening requires so much more than self-monitoring and management: It requires a genuine curiosity for the other person, an ability to tap into intuition without being drawn into assumptions, and a heart and mind fully invested in the other's agenda regardless of our own.

These characteristics of active listening lie much deeper than skills—they reside in our purpose and intention. Perhaps this is why training courses present active listening as nothing more than surface-level behaviors, while leadership coaches tap into the purpose and intention that differentiates being listened to from being heard.

David Oxberg said that being listened to is so close to being loved that most people can't tell the difference. What a litmus test. Do others feel loved by the way you listen to them? If anything less than loved, what's missing in your listening?

I heartily agree with Cary’s message here. People want to be heard and to feel that their ideas matter. We must ask them for their ideas, advice, and feedback. And then we must listen appreciatively. What are they telling us? What are they not expressing, and what are they feeling? Their emotions are part of their message.

One client I work with, an extremely intelligent, caring, and very busy executive, had the habit of jumping to judgment, often before people were done explaining their message. In fact, he often finished their sentences. Thankfully, his company invested in him and other senior executives by offering 360-degree assessments. He was shocked to learn that people who reported to him perceived that he was self-absorbed and put himself first, not his team. But that is not who he is. He does care deeply about his people. He truly is all about the team. His poor listening is a blind spot. He was totally unaware of his habit and the effect it had on others.

Let’s face it: Most of our habits are ingrained, maybe because we’ve been doing something a certain way for twenty or thirty years (or forever), and we don’t even realize it. The fact is that almost everybody thinks she is a good listener, and most of us are not.

I certainly hope that by bringing this message to a business context I have not debased Cary’s lovely message about being heard. I simply hope we all realize that our intentional and appreciative listening is a gift to others that also will help us to become better leaders. In my experience, people are much happier, more motivated, and harder workers for someone who shows appreciation by truly listening to them—asking what they think and why.

Thank you, Cary, for allowing me to expand on your beautiful message to help us deepen an essential leadership skill: our ability to listen for understanding and appreciation.