Coaching: Stop the Guessing Game

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Imagine you’ve just been pulled over by a police officer. Red and blue lights are flashing. The officer slowly approaches your driver’s side window and asks, “Do you know why I stopped you?” If you’re like most of us, you nervously say something like, “No, officer. Is there a problem?” They follow up with, “Are you aware how fast you were going?” To which you reply, “Not exactly. I was moving with the flow of traffic.”

Imagine you’ve just been pulled over by a police officer. Red and blue lights are flashing. The officer slowly approaches your driver’s side window and asks, “Do you know why I stopped you?” If you’re like most of us, you nervously say something like, “No, officer. Is there a problem?” They follow up with, “Are you aware how fast you were going?” To which you reply, “Not exactly. I was moving with the flow of traffic.”

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Many of us have been there and it’s not fun. Your defenses are up, and you’re just hoping to get out of it with a warning or a low fine. Meanwhile, the officer is hoping you’ll admit your guilt and not physically attack them. None of this makes you exactly eager to open up about your failings as a driver. So, the two of you do this dance until a ticket is written, or not, and you both drive away.

Many of us have been there and it’s not fun. Your defenses are up, and you’re just hoping to get out of it with a warning or a low fine. Meanwhile, the officer is hoping you’ll admit your guilt and not physically attack them. None of this makes you exactly eager to open up about your failings as a driver. So, the two of you do this dance until a ticket is written, or not, and you both drive away.

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Unfortunately, this is pretty much how a lot of coaching conversations go. The manager has spotted a problem. They start in with a bunch of questions, hoping the employee will own up to the issue without them having to come out and say it. Meanwhile, the employee does their best to deflect and get out of there unscathed:

Unfortunately, this is pretty much how a lot of coaching conversations go. The manager has spotted a problem. They start in with a bunch of questions, hoping the employee will own up to the issue without them having to come out and say it. Meanwhile, the employee does their best to deflect and get out of there unscathed:

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Q: How do you think that project went?

Q: How do you think that project went?

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A: Pretty well, the team pulled through and got it done.

A: Pretty well, the team pulled through and got it done.

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Q: Do you think there’s anything you could have done better?

Q: Do you think there’s anything you could have done better?

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A: Well, I’m always looking for ways to improve. Maybe I could have managed time a little better, but we still made the deadline.

A: Well, I’m always looking for ways to improve. Maybe I could have managed time a little better, but we still made the deadline.

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Q: Do you think it might have been a good idea to . . . ?

Q: Do you think it might have been a good idea to . . . ?

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After a while, the coach either gives up in frustration or switches over to just telling the employee what to do. No real coaching takes place. Then they go their separate ways, and nothing has actually changed.

After a while, the coach either gives up in frustration or switches over to just telling the employee what to do. No real coaching takes place. Then they go their separate ways, and nothing has actually changed.

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We all recognize this dynamic because it’s rooted in basic human nature. We’ll always have to manage stress and emotional reactions in high-stakes conversations. Unfortunately, lots of the coaching training that organizations have given their people has only made this problem worse.

We all recognize this dynamic because it’s rooted in basic human nature. We’ll always have to manage stress and emotional reactions in high-stakes conversations. Unfortunately, lots of the coaching training that organizations have given their people has only made this problem worse.

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Many of our managers have been explicitly told that they can only ask questions when coaching and everything has to come from the employee. In practice, that means, instead of saying what they think, coaches ask a lot of leading and loaded questions. All these questions don’t open up good coaching conversations. Think about the last time your manager asked you a few vague questions in a row. What was going through your mind in that moment? Most of the time, such questions only irritate people or leave them wondering, “What are they actually trying to say?”

Many of our managers have been explicitly told that they can only ask questions when coaching and everything has to come from the employee. In practice, that means, instead of saying what they think, coaches ask a lot of leading and loaded questions. All these questions don’t open up good coaching conversations. Think about the last time your manager asked you a few vague questions in a row. What was going through your mind in that moment? Most of the time, such questions only irritate people or leave them wondering, “What are they actually trying to say?”

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For years, my team has been working with managers to build strong coaching skills. We actually advise coaches to stop the guessing game and start a real conversation.

For years, my team has been working with managers to build strong coaching skills. We actually advise coaches to stop the guessing game and start a real conversation.

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  Raise the real issue: If you see a problem or an opportunity, don’t beat around the bush. Be open about it and put it on the table.

  Raise the real issue: If you see a problem or an opportunity, don’t beat around the bush. Be open about it and put it on the table.

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  Say why you think it’s an issue: It can’t be just an uninformed opinion or a generalization. You need to share the facts your view is based on.

  Say why you think it’s an issue: It can’t be just an uninformed opinion or a generalization. You need to share the facts your view is based on.

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  Say why you think it matters: Explain why the issue is important and worth addressing.

  Say why you think it matters: Explain why the issue is important and worth addressing.

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  Ask a good question: Then you can ask a good open question, with a much better chance of getting a real answer.

  Ask a good question: Then you can ask a good open question, with a much better chance of getting a real answer.

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  Listen for the answer: This works only if you’re truly open to hearing it. You need to understand where your employee is coming from, especially if they see things differently.

  Listen for the answer: This works only if you’re truly open to hearing it. You need to understand where your employee is coming from, especially if they see things differently.

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It sounds simple, and counter to what a lot of us were taught, but the impact for managers who need to coach is huge. I recently interviewed most of the frontline managers and employees for a division of one of our clients. The coaches told me how relieved they were to stop playing games and say what they think for once. They told stories of the progress people on their teams were able to make, which never would have happened if they were still stuck in the guessing game.

It sounds simple, and counter to what a lot of us were taught, but the impact for managers who need to coach is huge. I recently interviewed most of the frontline managers and employees for a division of one of our clients. The coaches told me how relieved they were to stop playing games and say what they think for once. They told stories of the progress people on their teams were able to make, which never would have happened if they were still stuck in the guessing game.

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The employees being coached like it too. They tell us how much better they feel knowing where they stand with their manager. They share examples of performance gains and career progress they’ve achieved with help from their coaches. They use words like “trust” and “transparency.”

The employees being coached like it too. They tell us how much better they feel knowing where they stand with their manager. They share examples of performance gains and career progress they’ve achieved with help from their coaches. They use words like “trust” and “transparency.”

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So, the next time you’re tempted to break out that list of 50 Great Coaching Questions, or you find yourself feeling a bit like that officer on the side of the road, please stop. Skip the guessing game and start by getting the issue on the table. You might be surprised how much further you get.

So, the next time you’re tempted to break out that list of 50 Great Coaching Questions, or you find yourself feeling a bit like that officer on the side of the road, please stop. Skip the guessing game and start by getting the issue on the table. You might be surprised how much further you get.