How to Deliver Feedback Gently

In the early days of my career, bolstered by all sorts of excitement and a strong desire to do a good job, I wielded my red editor’s pen with reckless abandon.

As I reviewed and edited emails, articles, website copy, and such, I believed a job well done was to return the draft to its owner graffitied by red ink. Never did it occur to me that my role as an editor—and my enthusiasm for being the most accurate one—would rub others the wrong way. Never did it occur to me that others would see my genuine intentions to do good work as a drain on their energy and a ding to their contribution.

It took years of interacting with coworkers and listening to some tough feedback for me to see that there could be a better way. To assume I could not be a good editor without offending people (even if it was unintentional) was a Fool’s Choice. Referenced in the book Crucial Conversations, the Fool’s Choice is a false dilemma we often make that suggests we face only two options—both of them bad. Simply put, the Fool’s Choice occurs when we get stuck in “or” thinking rather than “and” thinking. What if I could be a good editor AND spare people’s feelings?

Finding resolution requires that you refuse the Fool’s Choice and look for ways to both accomplish your goals and work better with others. Here are a few ideas for providing feedback more gently.

1. Set the table. I have learned that before even beginning a relationship, it’s good to have a conversation about what that relationship looks like. Your feedback is not personal—your goal is to deliver great work. Try to reach consensus that your shared goal is to create the best product possible and how you will accomplish that as a team.

2. Share your good intent. When offering feedback that is significant or harsh, preface with your intent. Reiterate to the other person that while your feedback might feel heavy-handed, your goal is to deliver the best result possible. You could thank them for their part in the success. It’s significantly easier to edit than to write something or start a project from scratch. So, acknowledge how their contribution was integral to getting you to an excellent result.

3. Explain your feedback. While providing feedback on someone’s work can feel transactional, recognize that it feels differently to those receiving the criticism. While editing someone’s work might simply be a task on your to-do list, consider the time and effort the other person put into it. Recognize how deflating it could feel to see hours of your work returned red-lined and dog-eared. So, take time to explain your feedback. Share why you made the edits you made and why you think your edits make it stronger. This extra effort might feel unnecessary to you, but it can help the other person not only process the feedback but even learn how to improve for next time.

4. Welcome feedback in return. After explaining, be willing to hear their thoughts. Perhaps they thought about it differently. Perhaps you’ll see that you could have left it as is, or that there is merit in their thought process. I’ve learned to ask myself whether the original draft is wrong or just different than I would have done it. There is a difference between accuracy and preference. If your edits relate to personal preference, consider that you could be less critical in your feedback, knowing that doing so will help others build confidence in their work.

While these tips might feel specific to the editing process, they can work anytime you’re delivering tough verbal feedback as well. Take time to align on your shared goals. Next, share your good intent. The feedback is intended to help the other person succeed—not tear them down. Then explain where the feedback is coming from; be specific and share facts. And finally, be open to the other’s perspective. You might uncover new information or insight that can lead to more success in the future.