How to Respectfully Draw Boundaries at Work

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It can be tricky to find the right balance between sharing and oversharing at work. Many people hesitate to set a boundary with a coworker regarding how much they share, as doing so may hurt their feelings. But the promise of having “crucial conversations ” is that you can deliver tough news in a respectful way.

It can be tricky to find the right balance between sharing and oversharing at work. Many people hesitate to set a boundary with a coworker regarding how much they share, as doing so may hurt their feelings. But the promise of having “crucial conversations” is that you can deliver tough news in a respectful way.

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Here are a few skills that can help:

Here are a few skills that can help:

Start With Heart

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When beginning a crucial conversation, get your intention right before speaking. Clearly examine your reasons for not wanting to hear about your coworker’s personal life. Starting with the heart ensures you understand your intent. And when you understand your intent, you can communicate it more effectively. Starting with the heart also pushes you to find a respectful intention beyond desires to rid yourself of irritation.

When beginning a crucial conversation, get your intention right before speaking. Clearly examine your reasons for not wanting to hear about your coworker’s personal life. Starting with the heart ensures you understand your intent. And when you understand your intent, you can communicate it more effectively. Starting with the heart also pushes you to find a respectful intention beyond desires to rid yourself of irritation.

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Perhaps your intent is to express that their interruptions disrupt your focus, your workload is demanding, or you simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth. Whatever the reason, consider how you can share it honestly and kindly so your coworker can better hear your request.

Perhaps your intent is to express that their interruptions disrupt your focus, your workload is demanding, or you simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth. Whatever the reason, consider how you can share it honestly and kindly so your coworker can better hear your request.

Master Your Emotions

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The primary reason we struggle in crucial conversations is that by the time we speak, we are already irritated, angry, or disgusted with the other person’s actions. Then, no matter how much we try to fake it, our negative feelings creep into the conversation. So, before opening your mouth, open your mind. Try to separate people from the problem. Try to see your coworker as reasonable, rational, and decent—even if their actions frustrate you. It’s likely they are desperately looking for a connection and not intentionally trying to disrupt your workflow. When you hold a generous thought about the other person, you will come across them entirely differently. You will be able to calmly communicate your good intent rather than speak out of frustration and annoyance.

The primary reason we struggle in crucial conversations is that by the time we speak, we are already irritated, angry, or disgusted with the other person’s actions. Then, no matter how much we try to fake it, our negative feelings creep into the conversation. So, before opening your mouth, open your mind. Try to separate people from the problem. Try to see your coworker as reasonable, rational, and decent—even if their actions frustrate you. It’s likely they are desperately looking for a connection and not intentionally trying to disrupt your workflow. When you hold a generous thought about the other person, you will come across them entirely differently. You will be able to calmly communicate your good intent rather than speak out of frustration and annoyance.

Help Others Feel Safe

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Unskilled people believe that certain topics are destined to make other people defensive. Those who are skilled at crucial conversations realize people don’t become defensive until they feel unsafe. They become less defensive because of what you’re saying than because of why they think you’re saying it. But when others feel respected and trust your motives, they let their guard down and begin to listen—even if the topic is unpleasant.

Unskilled people believe that certain topics are destined to make other people defensive. Those who are skilled at crucial conversations realize people don’t become defensive until they feel unsafe. They become less defensive because of what you’re saying than because of why they think you’re saying it. But when others feel respected and trust your motives, they let their guard down and begin to listen—even if the topic is unpleasant.

Communicate Your Good Intent

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Start the conversation by assuring your coworker of your positive intentions and your respect for them. And finish by kindly drawing the boundary. Here is another question for you to consider. Is there a happy medium? Is there a way to both hold a boundary as well as be more available to your coworker? Can you tell them that you enjoy talking with them but are not available for uninvited drive-by conversations in the middle of the day? Maybe you can spare 10 minutes every now and then when things are slow, or over a coffee break. Perhaps your colleague is seeking friendship and connection, and you could find a way to offer some, assuming it’s in a manner that respects your time and attention.

Start the conversation by assuring your coworker of your positive intentions and your respect for them. And finish by kindly drawing the boundary. Here is another question for you to consider. Is there a happy medium? Is there a way to both hold a boundary as well as be more available to your coworker? Can you tell them that you enjoy talking with them but are not available for uninvited drive-by conversations in the middle of the day? Maybe you can spare 10 minutes every now and then when things are slow, or over a coffee break. Perhaps your colleague is seeking friendship and connection, and you could find a way to offer some, assuming it’s in a manner that respects your time and attention.

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I started this blog by sharing the promise of crucial conversations—that tough news can be delivered respectfully. I’ll end with a caveat. Just consider that even though tough news is delivered respectfully, it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to hear. It’s possible there will be no way to say something without your coworker taking some offense. But if you do your part to get your heart right, master your emotions, make them feel safe, and communicate your good intent, how they react is up to them. Their response is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be both candid and respectful at all times.

I started this blog by sharing the promise of crucial conversations—that tough news can be delivered respectfully. I’ll end with a caveat. Just consider that even though tough news is delivered respectfully, it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to hear. It’s possible there will be no way to say something without your coworker taking some offense. But if you do your part to get your heart right, master your emotions, make them feel safe, and communicate your good intent, how they react is up to them. Their response is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be both candid and respectful at all times.