How to Respond to a Workplace Bully

Content

When we receive criticism, even when it’s harsh, we should still look for the grain of truth in the feedback. But what if there really isn’t a grain of truth? What if the person has no legitimate concern, but rather is either fabricating or exploiting a weakness for the sole purpose of self-gratification?

When we receive criticism, even when it’s harsh, we should still look for the grain of truth in the feedback. But what if there really isn’t a grain of truth? What if the person has no legitimate concern, but rather is either fabricating or exploiting a weakness for the sole purpose of self-gratification?

Content

What next?

What next?

Content

The first crucial question is, “What do you really want?” If all you want is safety, you have two options:

The first crucial question is, “What do you really want?” If all you want is safety, you have two options:

• Content

  Enforce your rights. First and foremost, if you feel physically or emotionally unsafe, you have rights and should demand them. Report abusive behavior to HR or seek legal assistance.

  Enforce your rights. First and foremost, if you feel physically or emotionally unsafe, you have rights and should demand them. Report abusive behavior to HR or seek legal assistance.

• Content

  Create distance. If needed, separate yourself from the person making you feel unsafe in your current job, or find other employment. If you fail to take steps like these, you risk enabling the behavior and becoming accustomed to abuse—something that damages your mental health and well-being.

  Create distance. If needed, separate yourself from the person making you feel unsafe in your current job, or find other employment. If you fail to take steps like these, you risk enabling the behavior and becoming accustomed to abuse—something that damages your mental health and well-being.

Content

If, on the other hand, you are not in immediate physical or emotional danger, and you want to continue in the work situation you’re in, you must set and enforce boundaries.

If, on the other hand, you are not in immediate physical or emotional danger, and you want to continue in the work situation you’re in, you must set and enforce boundaries.

Content

You gain power over subtle bullying when you can describe it precisely. This can take work, but you can’t have a conversation if you can’t specify the problem. Let’s say that during meetings with peers (when the boss isn’t watching) this person resorts to name calling or raising their voice. Step one in setting a boundary is confronting the specific behavior. In Crucial Conversations , we refer to this as “holding the right conversation.” Stop discussion of whatever issue is on the table and change the subject to the “process” issue. Stop talking about the “what” (the solution you’re debating), and shift to “how” the conversation is proceeding.

You gain power over subtle bullying when you can describe it precisely. This can take work, but you can’t have a conversation if you can’t specify the problem. Let’s say that during meetings with peers (when the boss isn’t watching) this person resorts to name calling or raising their voice. Step one in setting a boundary is confronting the specific behavior. In Crucial Conversations, we refer to this as “holding the right conversation.” Stop discussion of whatever issue is on the table and change the subject to the “process” issue. Stop talking about the “what” (the solution you’re debating), and shift to “how” the conversation is proceeding.

Content

For example, you present a proposal, and this person sneers and mutters, “Where do you get this crap?” Stop the conversation immediately and say, “Before we move on with the discussion, I want to address what just happened. I presented my idea, and you said, “Where do you get this crap?” Did I hear that right?”

For example, you present a proposal, and this person sneers and mutters, “Where do you get this crap?” Stop the conversation immediately and say, “Before we move on with the discussion, I want to address what just happened. I presented my idea, and you said, “Where do you get this crap?” Did I hear that right?”

Content

Your job in this conversation is to set a clear boundary. After confirming or disconfirming what they said, continue with, “I am fine hearing any criticism of any idea I have. Point out flaws all day long. But calling my ideas ‘crap’ is disrespectful to me. It’s not okay with me for you to simply insult either me or my ideas. Can I have your commitment to respect that?”

Your job in this conversation is to set a clear boundary. After confirming or disconfirming what they said, continue with, “I am fine hearing any criticism of any idea I have. Point out flaws all day long. But calling my ideas ‘crap’ is disrespectful to me. It’s not okay with me for you to simply insult either me or my ideas. Can I have your commitment to respect that?”

Content

Be prepared for them to either resist making a commitment or to test the boundary again. If they resist, let them know what you’ll do to secure your right to respectful behavior. For example, if they say, “The problem here is that you’re weak and thin-skinned. This is how adults talk.” You can respond with, “I’ve explained what I expect. If that’s not something you can commit to, I’ll check with HR (or the boss) to see if I’m out of bounds in my expectation.”

Be prepared for them to either resist making a commitment or to test the boundary again. If they resist, let them know what you’ll do to secure your right to respectful behavior. For example, if they say, “The problem here is that you’re weak and thin-skinned. This is how adults talk.” You can respond with, “I’ve explained what I expect. If that’s not something you can commit to, I’ll check with HR (or the boss) to see if I’m out of bounds in my expectation.”

Content

If they test the boundary, or lapse in honoring it, the first time it happens, you must address it: “A couple of weeks ago you committed that you would never use insulting language toward me. You just called my idea BS. That’s a violation of your commitment.” Ask for them to reconfirm their commitment, then add, “It’s not my job to police your agreement. If you fail to keep it again, I’ll move to other alternatives.”

If they test the boundary, or lapse in honoring it, the first time it happens, you must address it: “A couple of weeks ago you committed that you would never use insulting language toward me. You just called my idea BS. That’s a violation of your commitment.” Ask for them to reconfirm their commitment, then add, “It’s not my job to police your agreement. If you fail to keep it again, I’ll move to other alternatives.”

Content

Admittedly, setting and enforcing boundaries puts a lot on you. So, I remind you, if what you really want is just to secure your right to dignified treatment, the first two suggestions are reasonable. If what you really want (and feel safe doing) is to handle the problem between you and the bully, it will have to take some form of setting and enforcing boundaries.

Admittedly, setting and enforcing boundaries puts a lot on you. So, I remind you, if what you really want is just to secure your right to dignified treatment, the first two suggestions are reasonable. If what you really want (and feel safe doing) is to handle the problem between you and the bully, it will have to take some form of setting and enforcing boundaries.

Content

Nothing I’ve offered makes for easy answers, but in a world of flawed people, I hope this gives you a way of thinking about your options.

Nothing I’ve offered makes for easy answers, but in a world of flawed people, I hope this gives you a way of thinking about your options.