Raising Your Voice Isn’t Authority, but a Loss of Control—and It Undermines Trust

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We would like to think that the leaders who shout and scream to get their way were left behind in the 1980s, along with command-and-control leadership and unquestioned hierarchy, but that really is not the case. There is more awareness now, more language around psychological safety , more expectation that leaders will create environments where people can contribute openly, and yet the behavior still shows up, often in exactly the same way it always has.

We would like to think that the leaders who shout and scream to get their way were left behind in the 1980s, along with command-and-control leadership and unquestioned hierarchy, but that really is not the case. There is more awareness now, more language around psychological safety, more expectation that leaders will create environments where people can contribute openly, and yet the behavior still shows up, often in exactly the same way it always has.

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It rarely announces itself at the beginning of a meeting. It tends to appear once a leader has put their view forward and the conversation starts to move away from it, when other people begin to disagree or offer a different direction, and the outcome is no longer as certain as it first felt. That is the point where something changes. The leader becomes louder, more forceful, more intent on making their position stick, and the effect is immediate in a way that does not need explaining to anyone in the room.

It rarely announces itself at the beginning of a meeting. It tends to appear once a leader has put their view forward and the conversation starts to move away from it, when other people begin to disagree or offer a different direction, and the outcome is no longer as certain as it first felt. That is the point where something changes. The leader becomes louder, more forceful, more intent on making their position stick, and the effect is immediate in a way that does not need explaining to anyone in the room.

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People adjust.

People adjust.

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They do it quickly and often without realizing they have done it. The energy that was there a moment earlier, where different ideas were being explored, gives way to something more cautious. Contributions become shorter. Challenges soften or disappear altogether. The conversation continues, but it is no longer the same conversation.

They do it quickly and often without realizing they have done it. The energy that was there a moment earlier, where different ideas were being explored, gives way to something more cautious. Contributions become shorter. Challenges soften or disappear altogether. The conversation continues, but it is no longer the same conversation.

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From a distance, it can seem as though the leader has brought clarity and direction back into the room. The meeting moves on, decisions are made, and there is a sense of progress.

From a distance, it can seem as though the leader has brought clarity and direction back into the room. The meeting moves on, decisions are made, and there is a sense of progress.

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What is less visible is how the people who experienced it store that moment.

What is less visible is how the people who experienced it store that moment.

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I hear a lot of stories in coaching conversations about leaders who operate like this, who use volume or intensity to hold their position when it feels under pressure, particularly in group settings with multiple views and no obvious agreement. The language used to describe them is usually straightforward. They are called difficult, intimidating, and in some cases, a bully.

I hear a lot of stories in coaching conversations about leaders who operate like this, who use volume or intensity to hold their position when it feels under pressure, particularly in group settings with multiple views and no obvious agreement. The language used to describe them is usually straightforward. They are called difficult, intimidating, and in some cases, a bully.

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There are times when that description reflects exactly how the behavior feels to the people around them, and it would be disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

There are times when that description reflects exactly how the behavior feels to the people around them, and it would be disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

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At the same time, what drives it is often more specific than that label suggests.

At the same time, what drives it is often more specific than that label suggests.

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It is a pattern I would recognize as the “Persecutor of Others,” one of the “Pretender” masks that forms as a way of managing exposure and maintaining a sense of control. It develops over time, usually without any conscious decision, and it becomes something that can be relied upon when situations feel uncertain or difficult to manage.

It is a pattern I would recognize as the “Persecutor of Others,” one of the “Pretender” masks that forms as a way of managing exposure and maintaining a sense of control. It develops over time, usually without any conscious decision, and it becomes something that can be relied upon when situations feel uncertain or difficult to manage.

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If there has been a point earlier in life or career where being overpowered or dismissed carried a cost, then finding a way to prevent that from happening again becomes important. For some, that shows up as precision; for others, as accommodation; and for others, as force. When that force has worked, when it has secured an outcome or shut down a challenge, it becomes something that is used again.

If there has been a point earlier in life or career where being overpowered or dismissed carried a cost, then finding a way to prevent that from happening again becomes important. For some, that shows up as precision; for others, as accommodation; and for others, as force. When that force has worked, when it has secured an outcome or shut down a challenge, it becomes something that is used again.

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In a room with multiple perspectives and no clear path, that pattern has somewhere to go. The unpredictability of the conversation creates pressure, and the quickest way to reduce it is to narrow the space so control can be re-established. Speaking louder, pushing harder, and bringing the conversation to a close achieves that in the moment.

In a room with multiple perspectives and no clear path, that pattern has somewhere to go. The unpredictability of the conversation creates pressure, and the quickest way to reduce it is to narrow the space so control can be re-established. Speaking louder, pushing harder, and bringing the conversation to a close achieves that in the moment.

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From the inside, it can feel entirely appropriate. From the outside, it changes how people relate to both the leader and the space they are in.

From the inside, it can feel entirely appropriate. From the outside, it changes how people relate to both the leader and the space they are in.

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What tends to get missed is that the version of the person driving that response is not always the senior, experienced leader that others see. It often comes from a much earlier place, one that learned quickly how to avoid being exposed or diminished and has carried that learning forward into situations where the stakes feel similar, even if the context has changed.

What tends to get missed is that the version of the person driving that response is not always the senior, experienced leader that others see. It often comes from a much earlier place, one that learned quickly how to avoid being exposed or diminished and has carried that learning forward into situations where the stakes feel similar, even if the context has changed.

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That does not soften the impact. The effect on the room remains the same. People become more careful. They start to decide what is worth saying and what is better left unsaid. They continue to contribute, but not fully or in the same way they might have in a space that felt more open.

That does not soften the impact. The effect on the room remains the same. People become more careful. They start to decide what is worth saying and what is better left unsaid. They continue to contribute, but not fully or in the same way they might have in a space that felt more open.

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Over time, that becomes part of the culture.

Over time, that becomes part of the culture.

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This is where the “Silent Middle” begins to take shape, not through a single moment but through a series of small adjustments people make in response to their experiences. Capable individuals continue to deliver, they continue to meet expectations, and from the outside there is little to question. What changes is how much of their thinking they are prepared to bring into the room.

This is where the “Silent Middle” begins to take shape, not through a single moment but through a series of small adjustments people make in response to their experiences. Capable individuals continue to deliver, they continue to meet expectations, and from the outside there is little to question. What changes is how much of their thinking they are prepared to bring into the room.

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They learn the patterns and read the cues. They make a decision about how visible they want to be when a conversation starts to move into more uncertain territory.

They learn the patterns and read the cues. They make a decision about how visible they want to be when a conversation starts to move into more uncertain territory.

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The meeting still happens and the work still gets done but something important is missing from it.

The meeting still happens and the work still gets done but something important is missing from it.

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Authority, when it is grounded, does not need to assert itself in that way. It is not dependent on being the loudest voice or the one that can bring a conversation to a close the fastest. It lies in the ability to remain steady when there is disagreement, to hold a position without overpowering the people around you, and to allow a conversation to unfold without seeing difference as something that needs to be managed out of the room.

Authority, when it is grounded, does not need to assert itself in that way. It is not dependent on being the loudest voice or the one that can bring a conversation to a close the fastest. It lies in the ability to remain steady when there is disagreement, to hold a position without overpowering the people around you, and to allow a conversation to unfold without seeing difference as something that needs to be managed out of the room.

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When that steadiness is present, people respond to it. They are more willing to contribute, not because they are being encouraged to do so, but because the environment allows it. The quality of thinking improves as a result, and decisions are made with a broader understanding of what is actually happening.

When that steadiness is present, people respond to it. They are more willing to contribute, not because they are being encouraged to do so, but because the environment allows it. The quality of thinking improves as a result, and decisions are made with a broader understanding of what is actually happening.

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The shift away from raising your voice is not about removing intensity from leadership or trying to maintain a constant state of calm. There are moments when urgency and directness are needed, and avoiding them does not serve anyone. The difference lies in whether the response is chosen or whether it arrives without thought.

The shift away from raising your voice is not about removing intensity from leadership or trying to maintain a constant state of calm. There are moments when urgency and directness are needed, and avoiding them does not serve anyone. The difference lies in whether the response is chosen or whether it arrives without thought.

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There is usually a point, however brief, where that choice is still available. It may show up as a sense of pressure building, or as an urge to interrupt, or as a need to make a point land more strongly than it needs to. Noticing that moment changes what follows, because it creates the option to respond differently.

There is usually a point, however brief, where that choice is still available. It may show up as a sense of pressure building, or as an urge to interrupt, or as a need to make a point land more strongly than it needs to. Noticing that moment changes what follows, because it creates the option to respond differently.

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Holding the conversation, rather than closing it down, requires more from a leader than simply overriding it. It asks for attention, for a willingness to listen properly even when the view being expressed is not one that aligns with your own, and for the discipline to stay with that discomfort long enough for something useful to come from it.

Holding the conversation, rather than closing it down, requires more from a leader than simply overriding it. It asks for attention, for a willingness to listen properly even when the view being expressed is not one that aligns with your own, and for the discipline to stay with that discomfort long enough for something useful to come from it.

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Authority is recognized by the way a leader remains present when it would be easier to take control. People do not offer their best thinking into a space where they are managing how it will be received. They offer it where they trust that it will be heard.

Authority is recognized by the way a leader remains present when it would be easier to take control. People do not offer their best thinking into a space where they are managing how it will be received. They offer it where they trust that it will be heard.