Retraining Your Brain: Learning to Say Yes Intentionally

Like many of you, I constantly was in go mode. I took on too much, was frazzled by how much I needed to do, lost sleep, and exhausted myself to the point that when saying no became too difficult, I said yes, and the entire cycle restarted.

Why we accept tasks is individual but predictable. We do it because it is what is expected, to get ahead, because expectations aren't clear, because we fear, and for other reasons. But when we're burned out, are we helping? Can we do our best when we are overworked, not rested, and functioning via caffeine, deadline to deadline? My obligations frustrated me, even though I was the one who agreed to them in the first place.

This cycle finally brought me to therapy. During one session, my therapist posited that this behavior pattern was harming me. She explained that no is a decision while yes is a responsibility—and that hit home.

She issued a challenge that made me quite uncomfortable: during the next two weeks, refrain from immediately responding yes to any request. Instead, I should respond with something like, "I need to look at what else is on my plate because I want to make sure that I can fully commit to this request. I will get back to you tomorrow." She told me to use that space between the request and the response to consider a few key items: whether I had time, the worst-case scenario if I declined, and whether I considered the task important. I also looked at my relationship with the requester because sometimes relationships matter when denying a co-worker, spouse, family member, or friend. She wanted me to sit in that uncomfortable space to explore my goals and priorities.

The first few times I went to use this tactic, I backed down. I had scenarios in my head about what would happen when I responded with a no—none of them was great. Eventually, I did it—once. I said, "I will get back to you." The world did not end. The person making the request did not grow frustrated. This was a game-changer. I took the next 24 hours to reflect. Those scenarios that I had imagined were exaggerations—of my importance, the task’s importance, or the repercussions for not accepting the assignment.

I practiced this skill for the next two weeks, and the sense of control I regained was immeasurable. The joy in determining what I would say yes to intentionally was incredible and invigorating. It gave me a sense of autonomy, focused my energy, and helped me get proper sleep. Colleagues noticed my ability to meet deadlines, be present, and bring renewed passion to my work.

There are still things that I don't necessarily want or have to do, but those tasks are few and far between, and the sense of accomplishment and engagement I feel between those tasks makes them manageable. Saying no doesn't mean you’re uncooperative; it allows you to accept tasks in a focused, meaningful, and productive way.

Saying no is an important skill to develop because it protects your most important asset: your time. According to James Clear, sometimes saying no is seen as a luxury that only those in power can afford. But saying no is not a privilege reserved for the successful; it is a strategy that can help you become successful.

Retrain your brain. Stop worrying about what will happen if you say no, and think about the awesome things that happen when you choose to say yes.