Think Leaders Don’t Need Psychological Safety? Think Again

Years ago, I was asked to consult with a luminary in his industry who desperately needed to change the culture of his organization to ensure its survival. He was also a physically imposing, deep-voiced, austere person whose voice exuded command.

He, his executive team, and I worked for months developing a plan to influence change. Then came the time to share the plan with his global workforce. In a highly choreographed event, he and I made the case for change and described what was coming. In my view, it couldn’t have gone better. But as he and I walked out afterward, he said in his quietly thunderous way, “Joseph, I’m chagrined. We need to talk.”

Our walk back to his office felt like an eternity. I was terrified that this once-in-a-career opportunity was about to disappear. And equally scared that such a powerful person disapproved of me and my work. In short, I felt deeply unsafe.

As we took our seats in his office, he said, “Let’s start by reviewing the plan.” I couldn’t believe my ears. He and I had spent many hours over the previous months not just discussing but creating the plan. “Oh well,” I thought, “let’s do this again.” I shrugged and began, “The first step is diagnosis. We’ll gather data about what’s impeding the vital behaviors that…”

He cut me off and said, “Yeah. Take that off the list. I don’t want to gather any more data. I want to kill something. We need results, not more talk.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This wasn’t new information to him. Why was he doing this? And furthermore, the model we were working from was sound and cohesive. How dare he think he could just pick it into pieces and not suffer consequences! That’s what was going on inside me. Outside me my face probably lost all its color, my mouth was hanging slack, and my knees were knocking.

Now, I admit that my psychological safety concerns are an order of magnitude larger than his in this moment. But I also assert that he has them, too. And if I ignore his, it is at my own peril.

It’s easy during a Crucial Conversation to miss the fact that power protects no one from feelings of threat. While he had no fear of me firing or physically harming him, even the most powerful can feel disrespected, belittled, unheard, or protective of their interests. If you neglect your responsibility to help them feel safe, they will use their disproportionate power against you.

As I collected myself, I began with, “Amit (not his real name), the first thing I want you to know is that I get it that you’re the boss here. At the end of the day, I will support your decision and carry it out as best I can.” At this point, he leaned back in his chair. So far, so good. “And second, I want to be loyal to the results you’ve asked me to help you achieve. I have reasons to believe if we don’t diagnose, we could waste resources and fail.” He smiled and nodded slightly. “With your permission, I’d like to make that argument. And if it doesn’t persuade you, I’ll follow your instruction.”

He paused briefly and then said, “Make the argument.”

I sensed there was still some threat he was uncomfortable expressing. So, I attempted to express it for him. “One more thing, I want a relationship with you where if you think I’m padding the project to jack up my fees, you’ll demand that I justify what I’m doing. I want to be held accountable to being a good steward for your company’s resources.”

Bingo. He practically chuckled at that one. He relaxed and said, “Convince me diagnosis is worth what I’d pay.”

I did. And the project was a tremendous success. But that wasn’t the most important outcome of that conversation. The most important outcome was that we set a pattern for how we would communicate. We would not dance around hard issues. And I believe we got to that place because I took special effort to let him know I respected his position, and I cared about his interests.

Power differentials aside, everyone needs to feel safe for a Crucial Conversation to go well.