ATD Blog
Why Apologies are Difficult—and Sometimes Unnecessary
Tue Jul 30 2019
Content
I was recently reflecting on how frequently politicians and other public figures demand apologies from others, while refusing to offer one themselves. It occurred to me that few of us learn how to accomplish the real purpose of an apology without feeling defeated.
I was recently reflecting on how frequently politicians and other public figures demand apologies from others, while refusing to offer one themselves. It occurred to me that few of us learn how to accomplish the real purpose of an apology without feeling defeated.
Content
Many of us have had the unpleasant childhood experience of teachers or other adults demanding we apologize to another child after a fight—even when we explained that the other person started the altercation. Or, we were forced to apologize to relatives when our parents believed we had been rude—even when that relative treated us in a demeaning way. These experiences make us feel small or weak and can lead us to feel apologies are injurious to our self-image.
Many of us have had the unpleasant childhood experience of teachers or other adults demanding we apologize to another child after a fight—even when we explained that the other person started the altercation. Or, we were forced to apologize to relatives when our parents believed we had been rude—even when that relative treated us in a demeaning way. These experiences make us feel small or weak and can lead us to feel apologies are injurious to our self-image.
Content
Often, when we apologize (or receive an apology), it sounds something like this: “I didn’t mean it that way, but I’m sorry if what I said bothered you.” The implication is that the receiver is oversensitive or has misinterpreted the action or message. This kind of apology is pro forma and rarely achieves the desired effect.
Often, when we apologize (or receive an apology), it sounds something like this: “I didn’t mean it that way, but I’m sorry if what I said bothered you.” The implication is that the receiver is oversensitive or has misinterpreted the action or message. This kind of apology is pro forma and rarely achieves the desired effect.
Content
Let’s consider the purpose of apologizing. Usually, it’s to restore trust, mutual respect, and a sense of balance in the relationship. But in order for an apology to be received as sincere, two things need to be true:
Let’s consider the purpose of apologizing. Usually, it’s to restore trust, mutual respect, and a sense of balance in the relationship. But in order for an apology to be received as sincere, two things need to be true:
Content
You have said or done something (intentionally or unintentionally) that you now realize was hurtful or harmful to the other person.
You have said or done something (intentionally or unintentionally) that you now realize was hurtful or harmful to the other person.
Content
Now that you are aware of the impact of what you did, you are truly sorry and honestly wish you had not done it, regardless of what your original intentions were.
Now that you are aware of the impact of what you did, you are truly sorry and honestly wish you had not done it, regardless of what your original intentions were.
Content
If that’s the case, a simple apology without explanation or defensiveness can be given and received with grace. “I’m really sorry about what I said about you in that meeting.”
If that’s the case, a simple apology without explanation or defensiveness can be given and received with grace. “I’m really sorry about what I said about you in that meeting.”
Content
But when we have been hurt or offended by what another person has said or done, we often want something more. We want to be sure that the other party understands why their words or actions were hurtful. Further, we want them to have learned something from the experience, so they won’t repeat the behavior in the future. Adding that understanding and acknowledgement to an apology gives it far more power. “I can see that having me say that in front of your boss felt like I was undermining you.”
But when we have been hurt or offended by what another person has said or done, we often want something more. We want to be sure that the other party understands why their words or actions were hurtful. Further, we want them to have learned something from the experience, so they won’t repeat the behavior in the future. Adding that understanding and acknowledgement to an apology gives it far more power. “I can see that having me say that in front of your boss felt like I was undermining you.”
Content
But what about the times we say or do something that hurts or offends another person and we are not sorry. In fact, we may believe it was the right thing to say or do? A sincere apology is unlikely in this situation. You won’t want to give it, and if you do, the other is unlikely to believe it. In this instance, giving an apology is a useless performance. This situation is when the distinction between apologizing and acknowledging is important.
But what about the times we say or do something that hurts or offends another person and we are not sorry. In fact, we may believe it was the right thing to say or do? A sincere apology is unlikely in this situation. You won’t want to give it, and if you do, the other is unlikely to believe it. In this instance, giving an apology is a useless performance. This situation is when the distinction between apologizing and acknowledging is important.
Content
If you want to restore trust and balance, but don’t want to apologize or feel that an apology is not needed or appropriate, simply acknowledging how the other person received or interpreted your words or actions may be enough. In other words, you can say the second part (acknowledgement) without the first part (apology)—and accomplish a great deal.
If you want to restore trust and balance, but don’t want to apologize or feel that an apology is not needed or appropriate, simply acknowledging how the other person received or interpreted your words or actions may be enough. In other words, you can say the second part (acknowledgement) without the first part (apology)—and accomplish a great deal.
Content
If you can honestly disclose something relevant to the issue that makes you just a little vulnerable, it adds considerable weight to your apology or acknowledgement: “ I should have thought about the consequences of bringing that issue up in an open meeting.”
If you can honestly disclose something relevant to the issue that makes you just a little vulnerable, it adds considerable weight to your apology or acknowledgement: “I should have thought about the consequences of bringing that issue up in an open meeting.”
Content
Imagine how the history of our nations, organizations, or families might be different if people learned to respond in a simple and clear way to difficult interpersonal situations with a sincere apology, a genuine acknowledgement, an honest disclosure, or some combination of these—all while avoiding defensiveness, explanations, or performative gestures.
Imagine how the history of our nations, organizations, or families might be different if people learned to respond in a simple and clear way to difficult interpersonal situations with a sincere apology, a genuine acknowledgement, an honest disclosure, or some combination of these—all while avoiding defensiveness, explanations, or performative gestures.
Content
So, instead of “never apologize,” our watchwords can be, “know when to apologize, when to acknowledge, and when to disclose.” What’s more, know when to stop and leave room for the other to respond.
So, instead of “never apologize,” our watchwords can be, “know when to apologize, when to acknowledge, and when to disclose.” What’s more, know when to stop and leave room for the other to respond.
Content
Editor’s note: This post was originally published on LinkedIn .
Editor’s note: This post was originally published on LinkedIn.