The Staunch Empath

Learning leaders can't build their teams without a diverse toolkit of human skills. Emotional intelligence in particular gets a lot of attention as a necessity for any effective leader, but you can't build your EI skills without a solid foundation of empathy. If others in your organization don't feel that their leaders hear and understand them, efforts to engage them will quickly crumble.

What is empathy?

Empathy is an EI-adjacent skill that equips you to create and maintain effective relationships. It helps you navigate social situations in a way that wins allies and fosters good communication. According to Daniel Goleman, who popularized EI, the EI domains are self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. The components skew heavily toward interactions with others. Goleman also identified 12 competencies supporting EI. As part of that list, empathy is the foundational skill that helps you bring others down from an adversarial viewpoint, make genuine connections with them, and work together from a place of respect.

Put simply empathy means that you have an accurate understanding of another person's viewpoint. You're not reacting from the outside; you see it through their eyes. You're able to reflect that viewpoint back to them in a neutral way that shows your understanding without implying agreement. In contrast, sympathy results from your reaction to something that happens to another person. It typically brings on feelings of pity or sorrow rather than understanding.

It's impossible to genuinely agree with everyone, and others may resent you having pity on them. They'll view you as disingenuous if you offer false sympathy, and you'll erode trust rather than build it.

Importance of empathy in learning leaders

In its 2024 State of the Workplace Empathy Report, the Society for Human Resource Management found that employees at every level, from CEO on down, see empathy as important, yet even top leaders struggle to demonstrate it. Newly two-thirds of CEOs have difficulty showing empathy in their interactions, the report notes.

Ernst & Young's 2023 Empathy in Business Survey results reveal that almost 30 percent of employees identify empathy as a critical skill for fostering an inclusive environment. They say that having empathic managers boosts their morale.

Almost 80 percent of senior leaders agree with those sentiments, according to the Harvard Business Impact article "Empathetic Leadership: How to Go Beyond Lip Service." Unfortunately, less than half of those leaders see individuals using empathy effectively within their organizations.

Empathy is especially important in the L&D industry. L&D leaders must manage their teams effectively and work with stakeholders across the company. Their work often crosses over to external stakeholders and vendors as well. Advocating for plan and budget approval, managing teams effectively to complete work, and forging external partnerships are just a few of the responsibilities where the empathy superpower is a benefit.

For example, let's say that your team must take on a new project even though you just lost an experienced member to retirement. You cannot hire a replacement until the next fiscal year, which is three months away. You know the remaining team members are feeling stressed over the loss of a long-time colleague and the prospect of working short-handed for several months. Learning about the new project is likely to compound their anxiety.

While there's no immediate solution to their concerns, showing empathy confirms for them that you understand and care. Use empathy to acknowledge their feelings. For instance, state something such as: "I can see how much you all miss Maureen. I miss her too. She was a valuable contributor to the team. From what you've said, it sounds like you're concerned about the workload and the loss of her contributions. I understand those feelings. With the loss of a team member, along with a new project, I can see why you're all feeling stressed. It's a big change for the team structure, and this is a high-visibility project, so of course anxiety is normal."

Studies show that treating direct reports with empathy supports their confidence and innovation. You build their trust when they feel you've heard them. In addition, they're more comfortable taking risks and better able to process disagreements and to learn from setbacks because they're confident that you'll understand and support them.

The empathy-EI link

Self-awareness is the core component of the four EI domains. If you don't have an accurate perception of how others view you, you'll stumble when you try to improve the other components. Low self-awareness is empathy's nemesis because it destroys the ability to see the world through another person's eyes and keeps you from understanding how they perceive you.

Michael Scott, a character in the US television series The Office, epitomizes low self-awareness. He strongly believes that he knows exactly how others see him. Although he thinks his colleagues view him in a positive light, the opposite is true. He doesn't understand how he affects, and often hurts and alienates, others.

In one notable episode, a co-worker, Phyllis, knits oven mitts for him for a Secret Santa exchange. She is excited to share a gift that reflects her time and effort, but he dismisses it by saying that it sends the message that "I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." He sees that as derogatory, completely missing the point that Phyllis was showing him that he was worth an extra effort versus something that someone could easily buy from a store.

Most leaders are not doomed to a Michael-Scott level of cluelessness if they take some simple steps. The first is to have honest discussions with trusted colleagues who can help you see yourself objectively. Regularly ask for feedback from others and commit to approaching the process with an open mind. For example, if a peer tells you, "You have a tendency to interrupt others when you're really excited about an idea," your first instinct may be to respond with "I do not." Set that aside and approach the conversation with curiosity: "Thank you for sharing that observation. I was not aware that others perceived me doing that. Could you please give me an example?"

Examples are especially helpful because they give you the opportunity to see a specific incident through another person's eyes and compare it to your own perception. Like Michael Scott, you may think all is well, but hearing another perspective often provides an important reality check and prepares you to self-assess more accurately in similar situations in the future.

Begin with active listening

There's a special skill that acts as the mortar for a solid empathic foundation: active listening. The best learning leaders are active listeners, meaning that they put aside distractions and focus fully on the speaker. Then they double-check what they've heard to ensure that they fully understand the message as the speaker intended it.

Active listening comes in a few different flavors, but the simplest version involves each person taking a turn as the speaker, with the other person refraining from making comments. They can offer neutral affirmations such as head nods or an occasional "mm-hmm" or "I see." Depending on the circumstances, they may offer generic encouragement such as "Please tell me more." Otherwise, they can't interrupt or share any thoughts of their own.

When the speaker is done, the listener summarizes what they believe they heard. The listener either confirms its accuracy or offers a correction. The listener confirms understanding of the correction, if necessary, and then the two switch roles. Both people get a chance to share their sides without interruption or judgment.

In the earlier example, where you show empathy to your stressed work team, you could ask for confirmation to make sure that you have properly placed your empathy and that you're not misreading the situation. After stating what you see as your team's feelings, you could ask, "Am I seeing this correctly or am I missing other reasons for your stress? What other concerns do you all have?" If team members bring up other issues, repeat what they say and respond in an empathic way.

Active listening provides the perfect circumstances for empathy. In many conversations, the listener is only partially tuned in because they're thinking about ways to counter what the speaker is saying or carrying out a running commentary in their head. It's impossible to do that when you're listening closely enough to deliver an accurate summary. That leads organically to empathy via your reflection of the other person's position. It also forces them to demonstrate empathy for you.

Break down communication barriers

No one likes difficult conversations, but empathy makes them easier by helping you tone down the other person's defensiveness. If they see you as an enemy or an opponent, you have an automatic communication barrier. By showing them that you understand their side, you build a connection that helps to dampen the fire of negative emotions.

Some leaders think they're showing empathy when they're really fanning the flames. If a Michael-Scott-style leader is trying to show empathy in a conversation on how to approach a work situation, they may say, "I see why you don't like this approach. I really do. Now you need to understand my side. I'm the expert on effective training, and you should trust that expertise. You don't think I don't know my job, do you?"

That's an attack on the other person's judgment thinly disguised as empathy. Compare that to this alternate response: "I understand that you're hesitant about my approach. You have a lot of experience managing that team, so you have many insights on their needs."

The latter statement shows that you recognize and value their viewpoint and abilities. Once you give that validation, they'll be more receptive when you share your side: "My proposal includes some research-based strategies, and I've seen them work well in other instances. What is your biggest concern about taking this approach with your team?"

Including a question in the response shows your openness to their feedback and your desire to collaborate rather than dictate. Even if your approach is nonnegotiable, seeking and addressing concerns makes it more palatable.

As another example, sometimes team members, stakeholders, or others in the organization will ask you questions designed to rattle you or put you on the defensive. For instance, "Why are you against such an obviously sound project plan?" or "Tell me why you're the only one who doesn't understand the benefits of my approach." It's hard to show empathy or come up with any type of effective response when someone puts you on the spot and you're floundering for an answer.

When you're bombarded with such a question, remember that you're not obliged to answer it. Instead, deflect the person's strategy by naming the feelings that seem to be driving the individual. Rather than addressing the question itself, name the feelings you see behind it and ask for acknowledgment. Then, redirect the question to one that moves things forward.

For example, counter with, "It seems like you're frustrated at what you perceive as opposition to your plan. I think I'm hearing frustration in your tone. Is that accurate?" You're stating your perception and providing an opportunity for correction if you've misinterpreted the other person's reaction.

Once you've confirmed the correct feeling, ask a question that continues the conversation productively, such as:

• "I'm glad you're able to share your feelings with me. What do you think is the best way to move forward?"

• "What do you need from me to help you reconsider this proposal?"

• "How can we come to an agreement on this plan?"

• "What are your suggestions to help us find common ground?"

Doing so shows your understanding while allowing you to retake control and move the conversation in a productive direction. That's a critical skill for learning leaders, who must keep their projects on track and meet timelines, objectives, outcomes, and other key performance indicators.

Forced empathy via flip-flop

A flip-flop is an empathy strategy to pull out when all else fails. When the other person keeps building their walls taller and stronger, get them to step out with a role-reversal exercise. Ask them to argue your point of view while you do the same for theirs.

Lead in like this: "I can see you feel strongly about your point of view and feel that you're proposing the best course of action. I'm confident in my own proposal, but I want to make sure that I understand your side thoroughly. Let's try something to help us see each other's points of view. I'll put myself in your shoes and argue for your side, and you do the same for my side."

That practice is a useful secret weapon because the other person must use empathy to reflect the other side as accurately as possible. Instead of focusing on how to drive their own point home, you're forcing them to consider how to present the opposite side. That may lead to insights on their part, or it may give them deeper understanding of another perspective, even if they still don't agree.

Whenever possible, use that discussion tactic before you get to a critical point. You can make it a regular exercise when your team is discussing different courses of action and you see people forming opposing coalitions. It's also a good practice even when you don't see problems arising, because it ensures that everyone has a basic understanding of others' positions.

Developing your empathy

The great thing about empathy is that any learning leader can develop it and encourage it across the organization.

Stack your team with employees who show empathy. When interviewing prospective team members, ask questions that give them opportunities to explain how they applied empathy in specific situations.

Normalize active listening. Model the skill for your team and for everyone else you interact with throughout the organization. Set listening ground rules up front, getting buy-in by showing how they will benefit everyone.In addition, give verbal encouragement, be honest when you share with others, and show compassion and understanding when they share with you.

Conduct regular empathy check-ups. Remember, self-awareness is the foundation of EI. Ask others if they feel heard when they talk to you. Solicit honest feedback on your communication skills and put that feedback into action.

Implement empathy training in your organization. You can actively model empathy, but you're also in a perfect position to advocate for its inclusion in your talent development program. Not only does that equip others with the skill, but it also shows a company-wide commitment to empathy.

Empathy and Self-Care

Good leaders balance their focus on others with solid boundaries and regular self-care. Understanding others does not mean taking on their burden or the responsibility for helping them figure things out. Be supportive but objective and know when you need to take a break to re-energize yourself.

When you have empathy for yourself and understand your own needs, you'll be better equipped to use it in your interactions with others.