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For the past 16 years, Brittney Maxfield has worked alongside the Crucial Learning founders and trainers to drive awareness and adoption of the skills taught in its New York Times bestselling books and award-winning courses. She loves to spend time with her three awesome kids and musical husband. 

Brittney Maxfield 

It can be tricky to find the right balance between sharing and oversharing at work. Many people hesitate to set a boundary with a coworker regarding how much they share, as doing so may hurt their feelings. But the promise of having “crucial conversations” is that you can deliver tough news in a respectful way.Here are a few skills that can help:Start With HeartWhen beginning a crucial conversation, get your intention right before speaking. Clearly examine your reasons for not wanting to hear about your coworker’s personal life. Starting with the heart ensures you understand your intent. And when you understand your intent, you can communicate it more effectively. Starting with the heart also pushes you to find a respectful intention beyond desires to rid yourself of irritation.Perhaps your intent is to express that their interruptions disrupt your focus, your workload is demanding, or you simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth. Whatever the reason, consider how you can share it honestly and kindly so your coworker can better hear your request.Master Your EmotionsThe primary reason we struggle in crucial conversations is that by the time we speak, we are already irritated, angry, or disgusted with the other person’s actions. Then, no matter how much we try to fake it, our negative feelings creep into the conversation. So, before opening your mouth, open your mind. Try to separate people from the problem. Try to see your coworker as reasonable, rational, and decent—even if their actions frustrate you. It’s likely they are desperately looking for a connection and not intentionally trying to disrupt your workflow. When you hold a generous thought about the other person, you will come across them entirely differently. You will be able to calmly communicate your good intent rather than speak out of frustration and annoyance.Help Others Feel SafeUnskilled people believe that certain topics are destined to make other people defensive. Those who are skilled at crucial conversations realize people don’t become defensive until they feel unsafe. They become less defensive because of what you’re saying than because of why they think you’re saying it. But when others feel respected and trust your motives, they let their guard down and begin to listen—even if the topic is unpleasant.Communicate Your Good IntentStart the conversation by assuring your coworker of your positive intentions and your respect for them. And finish by kindly drawing the boundary. Here is another question for you to consider. Is there a happy medium? Is there a way to both hold a boundary as well as be more available to your coworker? Can you tell them that you enjoy talking with them but are not available for uninvited drive-by conversations in the middle of the day? Maybe you can spare 10 minutes every now and then when things are slow, or over a coffee break. Perhaps your colleague is seeking friendship and connection, and you could find a way to offer some, assuming it’s in a manner that respects your time and attention.I started this blog by sharing the promise of crucial conversations—that tough news can be delivered respectfully. I’ll end with a caveat. Just consider that even though tough news is delivered respectfully, it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to hear. It’s possible there will be no way to say something without your coworker taking some offense. But if you do your part to get your heart right, master your emotions, make them feel safe, and communicate your good intent, how they react is up to them. Their response is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be both candid and respectful at all times.

How to Respectfully Draw Boundaries at Work

Here are a few ideas for providing feedback more gently. 

How to Deliver Feedback Gently

What do you do or say when someone you are close to seems to overlook or disregard issues that matter a great deal to you?

How to Correct a Coworker

When an employee has a lot going on personally, it often shows up at work. These past few years have been tough on everyone, but it can be difficult to extend grace to employees while also wanting them to meet their job duties and performance measures. How can we both give sympathy AND maintain clear professional boundaries?  The problem is difficult—we’re leading people, not robots. Despite one’s best attempts to suppress personal challenges and stress, there will be times when whatever is going on outside of work begins to affect the employee’s work and performance. So, what can you do when you find that your offer to be sympathetic opened a floodgate of emotional baggage? Here are a few ideas: 1. Never pick up someone’s victim cardThe moment you metaphorically pick up someone’s victim card, you assume some level of responsibility for their victimhood. You have acknowledged that what they have experienced or are currently enduring is too hard for them to handle and they are indeed the victim. Then you are responsible to solve their problem or perpetually acknowledge and accept their shortcomings as a victim. It’s an unproductive and exhausting role, and it will only lead to resentment. Instead of picking up their victim card, acknowledge it and then give it right back to them—with the added expectation and encouragement that they rise above their challenge. Here’s an example: Lately, I notice that Carolyn has withdrawn from the team and her work is suffering. I reach out to ask how she’s doing. Carolyn unloads about how recent events at work have triggered some past emotions and it’s affecting her relationships and work. Instead of picking up her victim card, say something like, “Wow, thank you for sharing that with me. That sounds really hard, and I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced those things. But I also know that you have risen above those challenges in the past, and I want to know what you need to be able to do that again.” Encourage Carolyn to see herself as more than a victim and to find solutions to her performance issues. 2. Create boundaries by clarifying your intentWhen you feel that your employee is sharing too much or taking advantage of your empathy, you can respectfully set a boundary by clarifying what you don’t intend followed by what you do intend. It might sound something like this: “Thank you for sharing that with me. That sounds really challenging, and I can see why it could affect your work. I’d like to discuss how I can help you navigate these challenges while also getting your work done. I don’t want to come across as uncaring, but if I don’t spend much time talking about your challenges, it’s because I want to keep the conversation focused on what we can do here to help you return to the level of great work that I know you can deliver.” 3. Escalate to HRThis final tip is most applicable when the employee’s challenges are health related. If an employee’s health challenges are taking a toll on them or the team, there are FMLA laws that allow them to take a medical leave of absence to deal with their challenges and return to work healthy. Balancing my role as a friend and confidant with that of a manager is difficult. Personally, I find that when I have a friendship with the people I manage, the work flows smoothly and quickly, communication is natural and productive, there is mutual trust, and it simply makes work more enjoyable and fun. Who doesn’t want to work alongside their friends? But there is nothing more draining than an employee who, if given an inch, will take a mile. When you find yourself in this predicament, resist the urge to pick up their victim card, communicate your boundaries and good intent, and escalate to HR if needed. 

How to Balance Compassion and Boundaries at Work

As you approach accountability conversations with colleagues, try the following skills:

Addressing a Poor Listener

It’s difficult and often damaging to work with someone who has a history of manipulation and gaslighting. When it’s impossible to ignore the situation or person, how do you deal with it? Here are three skills I think will help.

How to Confront People Who Evade Responsibility

When you hold someone accountable, you are giving them uncomfortable feedback about their behavior, which can be a challenge. How do we make this uncomfortable feedback easier to give and receive?

What to Do When Feedback Feels Abusive

More than 80 percent of workers are cowering from at least one scary conversation at work.

Surviving a Scary Conversation at Work

For team members to thrive in a world of endless tasks and inputs, they have to have a few key habits.

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