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Justin Hale is a speaker, training designer, and master trainer at VitalSmarts. He has been a lead engineer in designing training courses and facilitated classes and delivered keynote speeches on the skills and principles to 300+ clients and audiences around the world.

Justin Hale

If you’re in a setting where political talk is happening, here are a few principles to consider.

To Speak or Not to Speak: Talking Politics at Work

Most new managers dread the idea of having to give feedback…and so they don’t. When it comes to giving feedback, it doesn’t matter how skilled you are or how polished your words are if there is one thing missing: trust. If your employee doesn’t trust your intent, believing you have their interests at heart, they won’t listen—period. This is the essence of psychological safety. To provide feedback that improves results, you will need to do so in a way that invites them to willingly reveal how they’ve missed the mark and sincerely reflect on ways that lead to improvement. Without safety, they’re more likely to distort and defend than reveal and reflect. But there’s a problem you’ll need to address: The brain doesn’t need a stark display of hostility to feel threatened. In moments of vulnerability, it only needs subtle, seemingly neutral cues—the slight raising of an eyebrow, a simple crinkle of your nose, or a break in eye contact can send a strong signal to the brain that it’s unsafe. Your job when delivering feedback is to generate evidence to the other person that they are safe. And you don’t accomplish that by beating around the bush or watering down the truth. Safety and truth are two independent variables. Don’t try to accomplish one by shorting the other. While your truth—the feedback you want to give—might still cause hurt, the pain from that feedback can become growth when others feel safe with you. People rarely get defensive about what you’re saying. People get defensive because of why they think you’re saying it. It’s their perception of your intent that provokes defensiveness, not the sensitivity of the content. If they believe your intent is to embarrass, critique, or shame, they will feel—and act—unsafe. They’re unlikely to reveal all relevant information and reflect sincerely on what they need to do to improve. If, on the other hand, they think that your intent is to find the truth, improve results, and even strengthen a relationship, then there’s a reasonable chance you can lay out the truth as you see it and be fully heard. Once you’ve done the hard yet worthy work of creating a trusting and safe relationship, here are some practical skills that will help you deliver feedback effectively. Share Your Good Intent Expressing good intent does not mean flattering or trying to appease the other person with irrelevant compliments. Expressing good intent means making it clear to the other person that you care about them and their interests. Sharing your good intent sounds like this: “First, I want you to know that I think you are doing a nice job in your role. I also want you to see you grow in this agency and have the success you want to have. I want to share some ideas I think will help you do that.” Share the Facts When it’s time to give the specifics of the feedback, start with facts. Share what you have observed before you share your interpretation of what you’ve observed. You want to stay external by describing what’s happening outside your head (“You cut the person off mid-sentence”) as opposed to what’s happening inside your head (“You’re rude”). Facts are less controversial than opinions and feelings. Facts are more persuasive. Be Brief and Direct Be careful not to let your desire for improvement become a desire to lecture. Even if you use the first two skills, you can destroy safety by turning a simple statement into a drawn-out diatribe. We often use ten words when three would do, deliver long meandering openings, and share random and disconnected compliments. If you’ve created safety, be clear, succinct, and direct. In the end, don’t isolate feedback to rare occasions that have some formal tradition surrounding them. Instead give short, honest, and helpful feedback on a regular basis. If you combine this feedback with consistent praise of excellent performance, you’ll not only help people improve, but you’ll quickly become one of the best bosses people have ever had in their career. 

How to Deliver Feedback Effectively

When we feel like we’re being micromanaged, there’s usually one of two possible reasons for your coworker’s behaviors:They don’t fully trust you because you aren’t consistently reliable.They are stressed because of pressure being put on them, and they’re transferring that stress to you.Regardless of the reason, however, here are some tips to help you manage the situation:Reflect on Your BehaviorOrganizations are littered with people who think they are high performers and yet are perplexed why they don’t get promoted as quickly as they believe they should. Such employees commonly feel they are being slighted and wronged. And yet most of them have a career-limiting habit that they don’t see or aren’t willing to see.Are you consistent at doing what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it? If trust is what makes or breaks a team, then getting stuff done is the currency of trust. I’d challenge you to dig deep and ask yourself:What’s my role in this?Do I see a pattern of people in my life checking up on me?Am I constantly making excuses for why I can’t finish commitments?Let me be clear—I’m not saying this IS your issue. But I’m not sure that it isn’t either. I don’t say this to try to demean you, but to wake you up to a new view of yourself. We all need this in our lives. I once received feedback that my tendency toward persuasion was abrasive for many of my colleagues. Tough news to hear, but it was vital tough love.Master Your Stories and Bring It UpIt’s better to address the pattern you’re experiencing than continue to suffer through it. But you need to start by checking your emotions; your frustration is likely coming from a story you’re telling yourself that this coworker is micromanaging you. Since the problem of coming up with ugly stories takes place inside your own mind, that’s also where the solution lies. Those who are best at holding Crucial Conversations tell themselves a more balanced story. Instead of asking, “What’s the matter with that person?” they ask, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do that?”By asking this humanizing question, you should gain a few other possible explanations for the checkups, and you’ll be more effective talking about the issue.Once you’ve checked your story and calmed your emotions, just be candid. Say something like, “Hey Juan, I’ve noticed with the last few assignments I’ve taken on for you that you check in on me almost every day, even though we agreed on a due date. I had every intention to finish by the date we agreed. But when you check in on me, it makes me wonder if you think I will finish on time. Can you help me see your side of things?”Use Checkups and CheckbacksSometimes, the other person is so stressed that their worry drives them to become a nag. They may trust you, but the stakes are so high for them that they want to guarantee nothing goes wrong. While it’s understandable that someone might get to this point (we’ve all acted ineffectively because of stress), it’s also detrimental to others. So, to those who are giving the assignments, you need to know the difference between a checkup and a checkback and use them correctly.Do a checkup when you’re giving the assignment and are nervous or have questions. Say something like, “Since this is such an important project, I’m wondering if we could meet next Wednesday at 10 a.m. to review how it’s going.” In this case, you are in charge of the follow-up.Use a checkback when the task is routine and has been assigned to someone who is experienced and reliable. Now that person is in charge. He or she offers suggestions, “How about we follow up at our next scheduled meeting?” or “The deadline is two weeks from today. Could we meet next Thursday, fifteen minutes before our team meeting, to touch base?”To get results AND maintain healthy relationships, both checkups and checkbacks can be helpful.

What to Do When You Think You’re Being Micromanaged

Rare is the workplace where you don’t have one or more sensitive coworkers. The reasons for such sensitivity are endless, and some are even valid, but when such sensitivity is combined with emotional displays, they can especially be a challenge! Such reactions are one of the main reasons people don’t hold others accountable. As we discuss how to work with sensitive, emotional employees, there are two questions I want to address: Why do people get defensive? What can you do? When I teach or coach leaders, I find that many of them believe that employees get defensive because they simply don’t want to hear “the truth.” As far as the manager is concerned, the employee got caught in their mistake and their guilt is driving them to emotion. So, their response sometimes is to get tough and say unhelpful things like, “Let’s not get emotional, let’s keep this professional,” or “No need to get defensive, let’s stay on topic.” While it may be true sometimes that people get emotional because they feel guilty, our experience suggests something else. When people get defensive, it’s because they don’t trust your intent. They’re leery that you either don’t respect them or don’t respect what they care about (shared goals). When one or both are lacking, or the other person perceives a lack of respect, you see a spike in emotional responses. See, our brains are always scanning our external environment for threats. The moment we perceive a threat, our fight-or-flight response is triggered. We react. Defensiveness is the attempt to restore safety in response to a perceived threat. And some employees may have been shut down, mistreated, or disregarded by previous bosses, contributing to extra sensitivity that needs to be considered. So, what do you do about it? You need to make it clear to the other person that you DO respect them and care about their goals. This can’t be accomplished with trite phrases when you’re in a bind. You’ve got to truly care. The way you treat them outside of crucial moments may do more for your Crucial Conversations than how you respond during them. I love what the late Stephen Covey said. “You can’t talk your way out of something you’ve acted your way into.” If you don’t show respect for their time, their work, or their unique personality, no amount of flowery language will ease their defensiveness. I think you could have a conversation with this person to address this dynamic between the two of you. You might begin, “Hey Gabriel, I’ve noticed a pattern between us that I want to talk about. When I bring up a concern about a commitment you didn’t complete, you often raise your voice or start crying. I’d like us to be able to talk about things in a way that allows both of us to feel heard and find a solution. But I’m wondering if I’ve done something—or not done something—that’s provoking your response. How do you see it?” That may not be a perfect opening statement, so adapt it to work for you. But please see the principle in the details. Be honest about the issue. Don’t let them off the hook because they get emotional. Show them you care AND address the issue. Ask how you can show you care. Keep talking. 

Working With Sensitive, Emotional Employees

As a manager, how can you prepare to have a crucial conversation about someone’s performance, especially when that person feels they are doing brilliant work but you believe differently?

When an Employee Thinks They’re Awesome, but You Don’t

If you’re not communicating in a way that invites others into the conversation, the result may be tacit agreement in the moment, then later gossip, complaining, distrust, lack of engagement, and a host of other organizational illnesses that kil

Why Should I Cater to People Who Are Afraid to Speak Their Mind?

Try as you might, it seems you just don’t get along and you’d rather go to the dentist than be in a meeting with him. It’s a tough situation, but there are some possible solutions I’ve learned through the Crucial Conversations

Working With Someone You Just Can’t Stand

Here are some things you can do from the bestselling productivity book and course Getting Things Done to achieve this feeling yourself.

5 Tips to Better Balance Your Workload

There are three levels to consider when holding a Crucial Conversation: content, pattern, and relationship.

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