Influence Unlocked, Volume 3: Fostering Connection and Trust

In this final installment of Influence Unlocked, we are going back to some fundamentals. You may remember from college psychology classes Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. Maslow proposed that basic survival needs like food and water must be satisfied before we are able to activate what he considered higher-level needs, including belonging and self-actualization. As it turns out, however, researchers have since discovered that social needs like connection are as basic as our need for food, water, and shelter—and that, in fact, our brains treat them the same way.

In a November 2011 article in Psychology Today entitled “Social Networks: What Maslow Misses,” Dr. Pamela Rutlege points out that needs are not hierarchical in our brains but instead are “an interactive, dynamic system…anchored in our ability to make social connections.” She goes on to say that “our reliance on each other grows as societies became more complex, interconnected, and specialized. Connection is a prerequisite for survival, physically and emotionally.”

So, what does this have to do with influence? Research shows that when humans make connections, oxytocin is released. This is the same hormone released in pregnant mothers to bond with their babies. Oxytocin has also been found to lower the stress hormone cortisol and even promote the growth of new brain cells. I’ve seen this happen in real life when meeting someone for the first time and realizing you both have kids the same age, went to the same college, love the same music, or root for the same sports team, just to cite a few examples. Our heart rate evens out, and we start to relax, maybe even let down our guard a bit, leaving us open to serendipity—and, yes, the opportunity to influence.

Robert Cialdini’s work cites a series of studies done with MBA students at two well-known business schools, where some groups were told to get straight to a negotiation. In this group, around 55 percent were able to come to an agreement. A second group was told to exchange personal information and identify a similarity in common before beginning the negotiation. In this group, 90 percent were able to come to successful and agreeable outcomes that they also rated as worth 18 percent more to both parties.

But before we can even create connection, we must establish trust. One model was developed 25 years ago by Charles H. Green in his book, The Trusted Advisor. It posits that trust equals the sum of credibility (perception of what someone says), reliability (perception of what someone does), and intimacy (the safety or security we feel when entrusting someone with something), divided by self-orientation (whether your focus is primarily on yourself or others). Or: T = (C+R+I)/S. Increasing the value of the factors in the numerator increases the value of trust, while increasing the value of the denominator decreases the value of trust.

Let me give you some examples based on the experience I described in the last installment with my fitness-minded colleague. What if I discovered that her degree in sports medicine was fabricated? Down goes her credibility and, accordingly, so does my trust in her. Or if the person at the gym made me an offer that was really a bait and switch? See ya, reliability (and trust). Or perhaps the donations they were collecting for charity really went to serve their own purposes? Trust goes down here because of heightened self-orientation. And so on.

Here are some ideas to establish trust and connection with your team or others you want to influence:

• Carefully observe those you wish to influence and try to find a connection point. Do they talk about a favorite sports team or hobby? Do they have a diploma from their alma mater or pictures of their kids or pets on display? What can you learn about them to help you make a personal connection (and increase trust) BEFORE you ask for their buy-in?

• If you’re working with a team—in particular one that is new or hasn’t gotten together in a while—try a question prompt before jumping in to the content of the meeting. I like to ask people to describe their favorite place in the world, which not only establishes positive effect but is also a catalyst for connections.

• Bolster the other’s perception of your reliability by walking the talk. Put simply, do what you say you are going to do.

• Use empathic listening to lower your self-orientation and increase trust. Try the looping technique, wherein you ask the other person a question, then repeat your understanding of what they said back to them, asking the questions, “Did I get that right?” and “What am I missing?” on a loop until the answers are “Yes” and “Nothing.”

And don’t forget: Each time you try to influence someone, you’re making it easier or more difficult to influence them in the future.

Check out Volume 1 and Volume 2.