Returning to the Table

Negotiation is ubiquitous, whether it is at work with clients or contractors, a supervisor, colleagues, or employees. Humans negotiate at home with parents, partners, children, and vendors such as credit card companies.

No one is a successful negotiator 100 percent of the time. We experience setbacks and, sometimes, failures. So, what do we do with those setbacks and failures when they happen? Use them to grow and become a better negotiator. To quote college football coach Nick Saban, “You never want to waste a failure. Adversity can break some people. Adversity can make some people great. It just depends on how you deal with it.”

Three common responses to failure

In my book, Getting Back to the Table, I explain that when individuals experience a significant setback in negotiation, they typically have one of three responses.

Think of the children’s tale “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.” The first response is the equivalent of the too-hot bowl of porridge, in which a person blames other people or the circumstances and rationalizes their behavior. Humans who react in that way learn nothing about what they can do differently to improve.

The second response to failure is the too-cold approach, where humans beat themselves up and feel a tremendous amount of anxiety going into future negotiations.

The third approach, the bowl of porridge that is “just right,” has to do with genuinely learning from what happened and becoming a better negotiator.

The many faces of failure

I have identified seven categories of failure in my research.

Failure by design. There are times when individuals go into a specific negotiation with the expectation they will fail but learn something useful to get back to the table (think product development). The negotiators see failure as a stepping stone to eventual success.

Failure to reach agreement when one is possible. Sometimes, an agreement is on the horizon, but negotiators cannot complete it for reasons such as not sharing information, offending the other side, or making assumptions about what is or is not possible.

Failure to meet negotiation objectives. This type of failure happens when the parties reach a less-than-optimal agreement rather than getting as close as possible to the goals they set before talks began. If the latter isn’t possible, it’s better to leave the table altogether. An agreement that doesn’t meet key objectives is a failure.

Failure to maintain a positive relationship. If, despite achieving the objectives, the parties damage their relationship in the process, that is a problem, particularly if the two sides must work together again in the future.

Failure to reach a beneficial agreement. In any negotiation, parties should determine their best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA) ahead of discussions. Also known as a walkaway alternative, a BATNA is the most advantageous route if parties cannot agree. Negotiators fail when they accept terms less advantageous than their BATNA.

Failure to maintain emotional control. This is when the emotions of one or more of the negotiators overwhelms them and causes the process to collapse as a result.

Failure to acknowledge hidden stressors. This occurs when the parties fail to notice a hidden dynamic or intangible aspect, such as disrespect or a perceived lack of fairness, that is subtly driving the process. Such problems tend not to be overt and parties rarely acknowledge them, but they nevertheless drive behaviors and cause stalemates or failure.

Five-step learning process

In addition to understanding the types of failure, gauge the level of failure. Was it a small setback, enabling negotiators to quickly return to the table? Or was it a catastrophic blunder where getting back to the table seems almost unthinkable?

To learn from the failure, follow a five-step process.

Accept failure. While many people know that failure is possible in any negotiation, they are often in denial when it happens. Accepting failure means coping with the loss associated with not meeting an objective. Facing the truth enables you to open yourself to learning from the experience.

Conduct a deep dive. Analyze what happened and why. Determine the primary cause of the failure (refer to the seven types). Then, get granular and review the tactics, critical moments, and choices that led to the setback or failure.

Determine what to learn from the negotiation. In particular, what lessons can you accurately transfer from one negotiation to another?

When two negotiations are different from each other, the reasons for failure and potential lessons are unique. Prevent transferring the wrong lessons to the incorrect context by analyzing each loss individually and understanding the cause of the failure—similar to a play-by-play after a sports game. Don’t compare losing due to a too-aggressive offense to a loss because of weak defense.

Connect weaknesses to failures. Generally, weaknesses contribute to failure in a particular negotiation. Take steps to actively unlearn the qualities or choices that caused a weakness and create space to learn a more productive habit.

Identify weaknesses by thinking about the pillars that form a negotiation approach. Then, determine which aspects went well and which became struggles. For example, a willingness to compromise, which is frequently a positive, can often lead to suboptimal results in a negotiation.

Consider a project manager, Joan, who approaches her supervisor, Felipe, about a one-month extension on a project she is overseeing. Felipe explains that an extension is not possible. As a result, Joan quickly reverts to compromise and suggests they split the difference at two weeks. Neither party is pleased with the option, and it qualifies as a failure.

Instead, imagine that Joan and Felipe use a creative problem-solving approach. Joan makes her request and adds information about why she is asking: She had approved vacation for a key member of the team before running into unforeseen problems. She does not want to rescind the vacation time and damage her relationship with the team.

“OK, I see,” Felipe says. “That helps me to understand why this is so important to you. Just so you know, it is critical from my point of view to stay on schedule given the deliverables we promised. As such, I can’t grant the extension, but since the project’s budget has a surplus, I can give you additional resources and the authority to change staff members to bring in someone else who can help complete the project on time. How does that sound?”

Joan’s eyes light up. She readily agrees because it meets her goals.

In that manner, replacing weaknesses with effective negotiating skills and tailoring tactics to a specific problem will enable Joan to succeed.

Come back to the table. Use an understanding of negotiation concepts, an adaptable mindset, greater confidence, and personal insights to grow. Leverage that knowledge to encourage other parties to return to the table more easily and ensure the best chance for success in the future.

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